How I Had My Most Intimate Night without Sex.

The room was ours. Pizza was delivered. Phones were muted, and the world was tuned out. We wanted seclusion and privacy. It was the time alone we had wanted.

With our PJs on, it was inevitable that the bed would be our platform for the evening. So, how does a night like this usually conclude?

You make out. Pet each other heavily. Start stripping. Hands lock in on body parts. With some fumbling for pace, intercourse commences. Eyes dart away from the other pair. A couple of positions later, there is climax.

Going fast and getting physical immediately is common in dating. Pause for emotional or intelligent connection is secondary. Sometimes it’s superficial or absent with enough drunken nights. If we’re clear-headed enough after this, there may be a chance for something meaningful. But, most times, our accelerated emotions and unset expectations, a product of going fast, gets the best of us and rarely matches the other person. Then, whatever lens we choose to see this experience through becomes the reality, we assume, this person and this “relationship” will be.

Post-sex is just as quick and unclear, even awkward. Do we hold each other? Let’s clean up first, eh. Are we passing out now? Any cuddling? Oh, early morning tomorrow. You need to leave first thing. Maybe we’ll talk at some point or not. So, what does this all mean?

A true turn and burn experience. Oh, the joys of going fast.

But, that didn’t happen. I wanted to go slow and he was ever bit respectful of that.

Within minutes, we snuggled into position and held on. We shared stories of heartbreak and mistakes we embraced. I learned of his personal struggles, as he of mine. The banter was cheeky while the moments of silence were soothing. As the room dimmed, our voices and our breathing became more present. I can feel his warmth against mine. We would lightly outline  each other’s bodies with our nose, fingers, hands, lips…

We were silly kids with a crush that night, and when the giggling subsided, we would finally kiss.

The next day, we were in a daze from a night of rich connection. We held each other as long as we could until I had to leave. And when I did, I knew, without question, we were doing this again. There was nothing unclear or awkward about that morning.

Omitting sex magnified everything else that night. Going slow is rare and underappreciated as we are so fixated to get in the sack. The slower pace allows time and space to grow connection and explore companionship. Laugh. Cry. Get vulnerable together. All the while, building excitement and anticipation for sex if or when you’re  ready.

The best things come to those who wait. Give your emotions a chance to feel again and feel deep without the looming pressure that comes with sex.


I left that morning feeling more connected with someone than what I’ve felt in a very long time. I also couldn’t help feeling like a middle school girl again giddy about a boy that liked me.

I can’t tell you what this is or what it will be, but I can say I am closer to knowing what I want and don’t in the next.

‘Til Next, Elisa
#goslow #thelostartofgoingslow

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